I wanted to write a post like this for a long time, so here we go.
„Nothing but fear“ was my answer to a question, I got asked many years ago. I was asked „What do you feel?“ and my answer war „Nothing but fear.“
Mental illnesses, depression, anxiety and so on are still a taboo topic in todays society. But why? I can tell you why. It’s because it isn’t visible. It’s because it scares people, when they have no idea how to handle someone with a mental illness.
Humans tend to react with ignorance or a lack of understandence to situations and things, that overtax them. That’s the reason why sayings like „It’s not that bad“ or „Just be happy“ are created. Someone who never suffered from depression can’t understand, why you can’t be happy. Someone who never had a severe problem with anxiety can’t understand, why you’re afraid of everything. They really can’t.
When I was asked this „What do you feel“ question, I was 14. And I was very deep down. „Nothing but fear“ was the sad truth. What happened there, is hard to reconstruate now. I was young and I was unhappy with myself. I had problems with some people in school and I always was hypersensitiv, I just didn’t know there. I had no names for what I am and that was, what made it so scary. I feld so different, so wrong, while everybode around me seemed to be perfectly normal and happy.
It started with simply being sad, than I got sleeping problems and then there was the anxiety. I feared going to school, later I even feared leaving the house. Anxiety was always there, but the panic attacks were the worst part. People, who never had a panic attack won’t agree with me, but I say, panic attacks are the worst thing, you can have.
There simply is nothing worse than a panic attack, because for the time it lasts, you think you have to die. You truly think, your life is over, when you loose controll over your brain, your body and your thoughts. It’s cruel ist terrible and when it happens, you just wish for it to be over and feel nothing anymore.
I knew exactly, that I needed help, but I didn’t want to see a doctor. When you’re fourteen you don’t want to be told to need therapy. All you want is do be normal. But when I started to skip school and stopped eating, my mum forced my, to see a shrink. The diagnosis was a light depression and a severe anxiety problem. For me, all hell breaked loose, when I heared it, because I so wished to be normal. Anyways, it was clear, I couldn’t live with the panic attacks anymore, because I wasn’t able to live a normal life. So I started therapy.
The healing process was painfull and long, but surprisingly fast. The reason I write this post is, that during all that, I felt so terrible alone.
No one understood me. My friends startet to avoid me, because I skipped school so much, and because I became, what they called „wierd“. My parents were overtaxed and I was alone, so incredible alone with this big words „depression“ and „anxiety.“
Depression and anxiety problems are no bits and bobs and not to compare to a cold or a broken bone. Something always remains.
I’m healed today, I don’t have depressions anymore and I usually don’t suffer from panic attacks but I’m still afraid of a lot of things, „normal“ people aren’t afraid of. I still have dark and sad days. But today, I have accepted it, like it is. I accept that I need to overcome more fear than others, when it comes to new things. I accept, that I still have days or sometimes weeks, where the world seemes to be a little darker and more sad than usual.
Today I know, what I can do, if I feel bad, today I have people I can talk to, today I’m stronger and better, than I was when I was 14.
Sometimes, I still have panic attacks. But today I know, I won’t die and that it will be over after a few minutes.
My story made me strong and it helped me understand people with mental illnesses. Today I also understand my parents and friends, who were just overtaxed and didn’t know how to handle me.
Whenever I hear people speaking bad about others, who have mental illnesses, I tell my story. I’m not ashamed, but sometimes it ashames them, when they listen to me.
Talking is the solution. Talking about these things, about depression, anxiety and so on, is the solution to a world of more understandance and acceptance.
I’m not weak, because I was sick, on the contrary I’m so much stronger, because I’m still alive and healthy now. I’m proud of myself and today I can say:
I suffered from depression
I had severe anxiety problems
I had panic attacks
I had a mental illness
I needed therapy
I’m proud of who I am
I just wanted to show you, that you’re not alone. I wanted to tell my story, to show others, that they are not the only ones, suffering from mental illnesses.
There is a way out, there is help and there is nothing to be ashamed of.
I know I have a lot of pretty young followers on instagram that are now the age I was, when I got sick. So whenever you feel, that you can’t handle yourself alone anymore, go to somebody you trust and tell.
If you have any questions or want to talk about something, related to the post, feel free to dm me on instagram or send me an email here.